Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I Should Write a Blues Song

K-Dubs and I have been having some trials lately.

There was the day last week when I appeared to be beating her mercilessly on the side of the road. But I wasn't! I was trying to save her life!

As you may know, Klea is an insect's dream. They love her. Which can sometimes compete with my love for her, ya know?

So, we're walking along the main drag by my house and she squats to do her dog business and I'm admiring how nicely her fur is growing back when I see something crawling on her! Ohemgee! What's a momma to do? I start swatting her. Fiercely. I'm just smacking and smacking and running my hands through her fur.

It never occurs to me that she was doing her dog thang and completely defenseless. By the time I'm satisfied that whatever it is hasn't bred, burrowed, or lived I relent. My poor baby is cowering beneath me wondering what the eff is wrong with me. Needless to say she got lots of treats that night.

So then there's this weekend. I spent Saturday puttering around the house with her but Sunday I hung out with a friend and ran some errands. I was gone for maybe 5 hours. When I got back home, I noticed that she'd eaten a dozen Hershey's kisses. I was so upset. Who knew what the outcome would be?

But I just told her no, swatted her butt with a shoe and cleaned up the mess. It wasn't until I sat down to work on the blanket that I noticed the real crime. The chocolates were just a cover-up, you see? She had used them to lull me into complacency. Klea thought that if I got angry about the candy then I'd have gotten most of it out of my system and I would just think that the THIN MINTS ate themselves!

I. Could. Have. Died.

I was so angry. I couldn't spank her again. What kind of sense would that make? But OHMYGOD was she dead to me.

I told her that I would deport her. That if she didn't like it here she could go live with her aunt in the hood where there are no trees and no treats. I shook the empty sleeve of cookies in my fist like a labor union rep in the midst of negotiations and vowed to pack her bags for her if she dared to look at another Girl Scout cookie.

And then I exacted her punishment. She was not allowed to sit on the couch at all for the rest of the night.

She makes me wonder if I'm a good parent or not.